Good morning Monday!
K shat on the bathroom floor.
She was so, so close.
She pull down her pants?
Did she shake it out the legs?
K isn’t telling.
Two small perfect turds,
Monday morning mystery.
Her pants are still clean.
K: I wake up! I did poopie in my diaper.
Me: (exasperated) we do poopie on the potty, K. We only use diapers for nappy. Can you do poopie on the potty please?
K: Never. (laughs a surprisingly maniacal laugh for a three-year-old)
We go to the changing table, I clean her up.
me: where are your pants?
K: NO PANTS. NO PANTS (she wiggles like a fish out of water) NO PANTS NO PANTS
me: Well, we’re not putting a diaper on. You’re a big girl, you go on the potty.
K: NO PANTS NO PANTS NO PANTS
me: okay. No pants. (pick your battles, right?)
It seems we’ll be wearing a shirt this evening.
I let her off the table. She goes immediately to her dress up box, and soon she is dolled up in pink fairy wings, plastic necklaces, plastic bracelets, sunglasses, heels and a giant pink feathered hat, bare-ass naked from the waist down.
I apologize for my unexplained absence… I’d provide a doctors note, but I haven’t got one.
I have this instead:
She’s taking up quite a bit of my time lately. She’s a Newfoundland, almost 9 weeks, and is beginning her training in the water. Once she’s done (and 120 lbs) she will be a canine good citizen, a therapy dog, be trained in water rescue, and next winter will tow my kids around on their sled.
Right now, however, we are working on not shitting the carpet.
First thing’s first, I suppose.
Next week, my friends. See you then.
That’s a package addressed to Mommy.
We join this story just as a putrid smell begins to fill my nostrils…
Me: K, you’re riding kind of low there, did you poop?
Me: Are you sure? I think we should change your diaper.
K: NO! NO POOPIE! (her head spins, flames shoot from her nostrils and her hair turns into snakes)
Me: (backing away slowly) Okay, you let me know.
(5 minutes and one entire can of febreeze later)
K: I poopie. K poopie mmmess. I mmmmmmess.
Me: Should we change your diaper?
Never interrupt a good dump.
livin' the dream.
livin' the dream.
Where all the cool squirrels hang out!
Make This World A Better Place
7 is the new 30
Screaming Into The Abyss
MUSINGS OF A SLIGHTLY NEUROTIC STORYTELLER
Remember! Once warmth was without fire.
Confessions of a Delusional Maniac
Where Sarcasm Gets Drunk and Let's Its Hair Down
Saving The World From Stupidity...One Blog At A Time
But the pun is
"If you are resolutely determined to make a lawyer of yourself, the thing is more than half done already" - Abraham Lincoln.
Stop being a follower!!!
afloat until found...
Words. Crayons. Pie. Other shit.