Dear Facebook:

You’re great, really. It’s nice to be able to communicate with those people I care about who’ve moved far away. It’s nice to be no longer obligated to see people in real life, yet still be considered a friend by emoticon. It’s nice to be able to keep up with people I don’t necessarily care to make an effort to see in my daily life without having to make an effort to see them in my daily life. You have given me so much, and I am grateful, but someone GOTS to do something about the selfies.

They’re everywhere and they have to stop clogging up my damn newsfeed.

First off, let’s talk about this:

selfiestop

No, no, no. You have to point the camera DOWN at your face. DOWN. You know, so it looks natural.

The duckface, I think quite legitimately, should have gone away several years ago when everyone in the whole world rose up as one and realized how ridiculous they looked. And yet…

What SHE needs is a selfie stick.

I dunno, that one on the right is kinda sexy. Throw in the surprise eyebrows and suddenly the whole look just works.

Isn’t the point of putting a picture of yourself up on social media so that others can see your face? See how you look? How am I supposed to recognize anyone with all this garbage going on?

Really?

Really?

All these beautiful people seem to have defective property.

Willy Wonka would be proud.

I believe it. I don't know why, but I do.

I believe him. I don’t know why, but I do.

She's got to have that window fixed. It's ruining all her headless selfies.

She’s got to have that window fixed. It’s ruining all her headless selfies.

Where did her head go? And why go to all the trouble to photoshop the shit out of that selfie if you’re going incognito anyhow? Oh well, at least she got the pose right.

I must have missed the day in school when they take all the girls aside to show them how to do the “look skinny in a selfie” or “low self-esteem” pose. Is it like the day that the boys and girls get split up to discuss puberty? I wouldn’t know, but every single woman these days (except for me) understands that in order to be photographed, one must turn away from the camera, put one hand on your hip, stick out your ass and bend one knee. Duckface and surprised eyebrows optional.

Oh, Selfie, you caught me by surprise. I just turned to see you and "snap!" I hope I look natural all turned away from the camera like that, with my hand on my hip and my toes very carefully pointed in.

Oh, Selfie, you caught me by surprise. I just turned around and “snap!” there you were! I hope I look natural all twisted away from the camera like that, with my hand on my hip and my toes very carefully pointed inward to give me that coveted yet completely unnatural space between my thighs.

There are rules for multiples as well.

 

Did I miss the "how to look skinny in a picture with your friends" class?

I always feel bad for the girl who gets stuck in the middle. For some reason, the other girls forbid her from following the rules and she ends up looking like a normal person. Poor dear.

And it’s not just millennials anymore.

Apparently they teach that class in preschool.

Is she unusually gifted or are they teaching low self-esteem in preschool now?

I had to defriend a woman I know who kept posting these adorable pics. Guess who’s never going to be President? That lady. Look – even her kid knows. Best get a scholarship, little dude.

This lady.

This pic is so hot I want my Nana to see it.

Look - it's a picture of her can -- IN THE CAN!   Why yes, THAT IS A BABY STRAPPED TO HER CHEST.

In case you need a recap – This is a super sexy selfie of this lady’s ass with a baby strapped to her chest and a toilet in the background. They don’t come much hotter than that.

The biggest problem, Facebook, is the double standard. Men do not abase themselves this way. Well, sometimes they do, but whenever that happens the man council intervenes and labels said man “douchebag”, thus ending any credible online presence he may have ever had or will ever have again.

Bros don't let bros take selfies.

Bros don’t let bros take selfies.

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