This morning, while K is watching a cartoon.
K: Mom, move over. I can’t see the TV.
(I say: Oh, so sorry that my cleaning, cooking, chauffeuring, and other various and sundry Mom duties have taken precious seconds away from your television time. My bad. I’ll know better for next time.
K hears: ………………………………… Television…………)
I wouldn’t want to interfere with the obliteration of your brain cells.
TWO MINUTES LATER
K: Mom, I need a tissue (the box of tissues sits immediately to her left)
Me: Then get a tissue.
K: I can’t. (She stares at the TV as her mine cart finger begins its slow ascent towards gold her nose.)
Me: K, I have seen you extend BOTH of your arms in the past. Occasionally at the same time. Therefore, I’m absolutely positive that you can work but one of those pretty arms, right now, in order to get yourself a tissue.
K: I can’t (her finger is now dangerously close to her booger bearer)
Me: They’re right there.
K: I can’t get it. (Finger now beginning proboscis probe)
Me: Fine. Here. (I hand her a tissue just before the nudging of nose nuggets begins in earnest.)
This game is slower and more difficult to play while distracted by the TV.
ONE MINUTE LATER
K: Mom, here. (holds out her hand with nasty used tissue in it.)
Me: Throw it away, please. And wash your hands.
K: J, here (extends previously unusable arm, holding nasty used tissue, to her brother.)
Me: No, K. Your tissue has germs all over it. When we use a tissue, we throw it in the garbage ourselves.
K: (puts nasty used tissue in her lap) Ok, I did.
Me: No you didn’t, it’s still sitting in your lap.
K: No, I threw it away. (tissue still sitting in her lap)
Me: ……………………………………..
Either my child’s lying proficiency is way below benchmark, or she really thinks the cheese has slid off my cracker.
I don’t know which is worse.
She said she threw it away and yet it’s just sitting there in plain view. Haha! Might be time to pull the plug on the tube. It’s dulling her senses.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do I come across as one who’s forgotten to pay their brain bill?
Because she seemed pretty darn sure that I would believe she’d somehow, instantaneously, gotten up, walked to the garbage can, tossed the tissue, come back, and was now sitting in the recliner with no tissue on her lap at all.
Maybe some time away from the tube will help her throw her nasty tissues away on her own.
LikeLike
“Forgotten to pay her brain bill”–you sure have a way with words! It’s some impressive linguistics you come up with.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you.
LikeLike
“She thinks the cheese has slid off my cracker”. I like that. Adopted! It gets better when they get older – I get rolling eyeballs when I vacuum around their GTA 5 exploits.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Are you kidding? If my kids start doing that (i give it three days before my kids start doing that) I’m going to let them rot in their own filth.
The only trouble with that is that they will not care. Filth is their preferred environment, actually.
LikeLiked by 3 people
It seems to be a boy thing -at least it is in MM’s household. Little My’s bedroom is spotless, whereas a burglar would leave the boys’ rooms immediately with the conviction that someone else had already broken in. Sigh.
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s true. K is way tidier than J, although the tiny pieces of cutlery and furniture from her dollhouses have a way of finding themselves all over the floor. At least there is a floor in her room. When I ask J to clean his room, he clears a path so I can walk to his bed and calls it a day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I vote for cheese off the cracker.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Paul. We’ll have to meet up so you can tell me obvious lies.
LikeLike
I could write a novel here about indentured servitude, but you luck out cuz I’m on my phone so I’ll keep it short, ish.
Ever seen Wedding Crashers? There’s this seen where will ferrel’s character is screaming for his mom (who he still lives with) to get him some meat loaf.
That scene is my life.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahhh, I see yours are old enough to wipe their own asses. Because that’s MY favorite call, screamed by K from the bathroom loudly enough for me to hear anywhere else in the house.
“Mom, I need my butt wiped”
That is my life.
I love that movie, BTW. Which do you prefer, Christmas, or Wedding season?
LikeLike
Oh my goodness, yes, Wedding Crashers. Meatloaf. Yes. Exactly.
I wonder if you’ve thought of teaching yourself archery and then carrying one of those nerf archery sets around the house with you? So then when the hand creeps towards the nose and/or the TV is too distracting for what they’re supposed to be doing, you can *zing* give them a gentle reminder with the nerf stuff or, if necessary, hit the TV switch from anywhere with a line of sight.
(You could probably use a normal nerf gun but the archery set has a little something to it, plus you can more easily threaten to replace the ammunition with “live” stuff.)
Anyway, I just thought of it then and wondered if it sounded like a good enough idea to you to put it on my shopping list, like, this week?
LikeLike
It’s a good idea. I’ll have to learn to shoot, but I can see that as a positive in the discipline of my children for the rest of their lives.
You never know when Mom’s hiding behind a bush with a bow and arrow. Perhaps Mom will shoot the eggs out of your hands before you throw them at your teachers house, or maybe Mom will “zing” right on your first boyfriends roaming fingers. I could see a thousand uses for perfect aim and a nerf set.
That goes right on the shopping list.
LikeLike
Both disgusting and delightful.
LikeLike
Thank you very much. I think my children meet the mark there as well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahahaha! My son and I both play the “but the dog is in my lap” card to get the other to get them something! I played it once and the dog was actually with him. I had my card revoked for weeks cause of it!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ooooohhh, yeah, my husband and I play that game too, so I know that the animal in question MUST be at least within your sight in order to play the card properly. What you need, my friend, is a cat. We have three cats and two dogs so the chances are good that if I’m sitting down, there are animals waiting their turn to hop up there.
I am reigning champion of “The dog’s on my lap.” If you get a cat, he’ll never be able to call shenanigans on you again.
LikeLike
There is also the Walmart Manoeuvre, which is very successful with teenagers – ‘Sorry I can’t get up, my trousers/jammy bottoms/catheter will fall down.’
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sure Kate is quite familiar with the people of Walmart, maybe more so than me. A ton of those pictures come from various parts of Texas, in the middle of the night.
Kate have you amused yourself with The People of Walmart? I send the pics over to England so that Elaine can dull her tasteful British sensibilities. I believe she is referencing this picture:
http://bit.ly/1ELNA4K
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, I got it. You might be better off running that link through Bitly, though.
LikeLike
What’s Bitly? You have to talk to me like the cheese has slipped off my cracker… Is it because someone owns the pic? That would suck.
LikeLike
Nevermind, I got it. The pic came up as usable, I’m going to try bitly now.
LikeLike
Servitude…yep, you got it in one. Glad it’s not just me…..also a bit chuffed to read comments from other mother who is the victim of the rolling eyeballs treatment……how did we all get here?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well, for me, I got here by way of wine and a faster than usual ovulation cycle. But I think it’s different for everyone.
Luckily, my children are still little enough to be sent to time out for rolling eyeballs, but when they get bigger, I think it’s because they are SOOOOOO put upon by all their first world problems that they simply have to vent their frustration somehow. When their massive quantities of rest and relaxation time is intruded upon (even for a mere few seconds) rolling eyeballs is just a reflection of that frustration. HOW could we POSSIBLY think to bring our cleaning equipment into their only several hours of video game (very expensive video games, by the way– and bought, no doubt, by the woman pushing the vacuum cleaner) time? It’s almost too much to think about, let alone that they be forced to live such a horror. It gives me chills just thinking about the nightmares they must endure.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was going to send you a link to a first world problems website. I think you cd be these people’s agony auntie. I particularly liked ‘The distance to work is so short, that my car doesn’t heat up by the time I get there. What do I do?’ Stop and play Grand Theft Auto??
LikeLiked by 1 person
Our poor children are so put upon. I don’t know how they’ll make it in this world with all their gaming systems not being upgraded fast enough for their liking, the weather is ALWAYS too cold or too hot, and don’t even get me started on the lines at Starbucks at 8 in the morning.
LikeLike
I love your way with words. I think the cheese slid off my cracker a long time ago (I actually wrote my crack there, but corrected it in time.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I read a post yesterday on Beth’s site I think you’d enjoy. I posted a couple of times, the comments are as good as the post. I’d love to hear your, and your crack’s, thoughts on the matter.
And thank you. Your compliments always mean the world to me.
LikeLike
I did manage to get a link to Beth’s site, even though I couldn’t manage a pic on my own damn page… I get a point or two for that, right?
LikeLiked by 1 person
well that was fun. I’d never thought about texting in the nude before…
LikeLike
See? you learn something new every day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, by the way, it’s usually around bedtime when I get to my email so I’m usually in the buff for that as well.
LikeLike
She gets extra points for using her brother.
LikeLiked by 2 people
She’s resourceful if nothing else. She might have tried the dog as well. The dog would have undoubtedly eaten the nasty used tissue, had I not been in the room watching. Maybe, in her estimation, I didn’t quite hit EVERY branch on my way down from the stupid tree.
LikeLike
My five year old does the same thing. I always ask him to put his booger rags in the trash. And I sincerely believed he was listening, I believed he was honoring my modest request. Unit the other day, when I found a stack of USED tissues hiding behind the couch.
He is also incapable of opening a water bottle.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, he does not believe your elevator goes all the way to the top. My son used to hide used food cartons and empty cups back there. I kept wondering why the couch cushion wouldn’t push all the way back… and then I smelled it.
My daughter is incapable of putting on her clothes. She is highly capable, however, of taking them off.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What is it about the back of the couch?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bet when you found that stuff under the cushion, it didn’t even phase you. The shock factor wears off. Poop, throw up, boogers . . . nothing phases me anymore. Having kids gives you a stomach of steel.
LikeLike
Nope, not al all. They wipe their nastiness all over the house all day every day. Nothing phases a Mom, we get puked on, shat upon, and we are their personal traveling garbage cans. When the couch cushions aren’t available, that is.
LikeLike
my 12yr old picks his nose whilst watching tv and its incessant, he has a tiny nose too i dont know how he gets his finger up. I say to him you will pick your brain out if you are not careful. I tell him to stop because i find it so disgusting and it distracts me then i start to get anxious as to where he will put it as I really cannot stand boogers, they instantly mak eme wretch. He then puts his arm up like I dont know what he is STILL doing lol x
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t think men EVER stop being disgusting. It’s written in their DNA, like peeing standing up or how they leave a seat between them when two men go see a movie together. I just make my husband brush his teeth and wash his hands before he kisses me.
You know, cover all my bases.
BTW– I’m sorry I didn’t get to talk to you recently, but the Husband has been hard at work on his Website. He just got it up– take a look at http://www.snownj.com, and find your beautiful, copyrighted pic all the way across the ocean! If you don’t like it, let me know, and he’ll take it down.
LikeLiked by 1 person
lol you do make me laugh.
Glad your feeling better now?
Hubbys website looks fab, i couldn’t see my pic anywhere though or have i gone blind? lol xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, you’ve not gone blind. It took me a minute to figure it out too– go into his about page, and you’ll find a few different pages. It’s on one of those… I forget which one though.
Did you see at the bottom? You’re included in the legal mumbo jumbo!!!! I thought that was super cool and professional.
LikeLike