This question was posted by Sarcasmica. I think this is a question we can all relate to. Sort of. Maybe just the subscribers part. The rest of it gets a little weird…

Naptimethoughts,
HOW do I get stalkers?! I’ll even just settle for subscribers… you seem to have the market cornered in this area 🙂
-Woeful in WA

Dear Woeful,

I completely understand. There’s nothing better than a good stalking to get the blood pumping. Personally, I love to hear strangers crawling through my bushes late at night, and it’s all the sweeter to know who that person (or persons!!) might be, and that they’re armed!

Oh, but I digress. I could go on and on about those exhilarating evenings at gunpoint, but let’s get to your questions. I am here for you, after all. You want to know how to obtain stalkers, and if not stalkers, then followers..

Let’s discuss obtaining stalkers and followers at the same time, because I believe, if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish both these goals at once.

The first thing to do in order to obtain followers (preferably followers with a predisposition to stalking), is to show up on the doorstep of every person within walking, biking, or driving distance of your home, ring the doorbell, and when they answer, get right up in their faces (and I mean right up in there. If you feel that you’re uncomfortably close, take it in another couple of inches. Touch noses if possible). Make sure to open your eyes really, unnaturally, disconcertingly wide, and let them know that they are invited to follow your blog. Do it with your teeth clenched, it lets people know that you’re such a serious blogger; that you blog SO MUCH, you barely remember to open your mouth when you speak. Then stand there, of course making sure to breathe directly into their faces, and wait for them to say something. Don’t worry if you or this perfect stranger feel awkward, that’s completely normal. Again, you are simply giving them the impression that you are a serious blogger.

Next, let everyone you meet know your name, address and telephone number. If the opportunity presents itself, let them know that you make it a practice not to lock the doors or windows to your home, and in which drawer you keep your underwear.

Now, if you’ve done these first few steps properly, and you have not been arrested you’ve just killed two birds with one stone. Not only have you gone out and canvassed miles of residences (and businesses! Let’s not forget them!) surrounding your home, but you’ve also alerted possible stalkers to your presence on the internet.

Beyond your immediate surrounding area, or “real life”, the best way to garner a following online is to write outrageously rude, offensive, and disgusting things on your blog. Make sure that you provide a disclaimer, however, to let everyone know that although you have a propensity to be rude, horrible, and offensive, it’s your goal to be rude, horrible, and offensive to everyone. So it’s okay.

Now, this is not necessarily pertinent to finding a stalker, but it can’t hurt to nudge his delusional fantasies along. If you are unfortunate lucky enough to find that one special follower who routinely makes you feel uncomfortable, make sure to encourage him shamelessly, and again, keep pressing your phone, address, unlocked home and underwear drawer. You never know who might possibly have stalking tendencies, and a good stalker will cross oceans to terrorize his victim. While you wait for this Prince Charming to find Sarcasmica.me,  listen for any signs that an obsession is in the works. A phone call with heavy breathing on the other end, an innocuous white van with no windows that follows you from place to place, or a rustling in the bushes.

Hope this helps!!!

–Naptimethoughts

Disclaimer:

*Naptimethoughts will probably give you bad advice. In fact, I can all but assure you that Naptimethoughts WILL give you bad advice. If I were you, I wouldn’t take anything that Naptimethoughts writes to you seriously AT ALL. If you have a real problem, please seek the advice of a real therapist or Psychiatrist. Ask Naptimethoughts is nothing but a fun way to give Naptimethoughts stuff to write about, and/or plug your blog.

*All that other stuff I wrote about improving your life and whatnot? Yeah, that’ll never happen, but you might get a laugh out of it.

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