Dean B, at Mothers Little Steps, has the enormous fortune to be the very first “Ask Naptimethoughts” patron.
I’ll give it my best.
Here’s her question:
Dear Naptime thoughts,
I have been having trouble sleeping for the past month or so and it’s really driving me bonkers! Any tips? – Sleepless in Boscastle.
Insomnia is the worst. I’ve been in the very same position you are now, and after all the usual methods have failed, there are only three options left. The first is an option I don’t really recommend, as it can cause major bleeding in the brain, which can then lead to a clot, seizure, and death. I’m sure you know where I’m going with this… Of course, the frying pan.
Wyle E. Coyote was onto something. The frying pan ALWAYS works. The best way to go about it, if this is your choice method for curing insomnia, is:
1: Set up the frying pan (I would advise a Le Creuset pan, cast iron, for that extra weight) directly above your pillow. Make sure to attach a string to the frying pan to act as the trigger, causing the pan to fall directly onto your head. If you’ve done it right, little bluebirds will tweet in a circle around your head, and you’ll be fast asleep before you know it.
I can’t stress enough, however, the danger of this particular method. Consult a professional.
2.Send your husband back to school to acquire a PhD in Geology. Then, every night, ask him to recount to you the most interesting things he knows about rocks. This, although less dangerous than the other two methods, takes quite a long time to work. I don’t know how much schooling your husband has, or what his current expertise is, but I’d bet my ass it’s not geology. Nobody studies geology, for the very reason that it works so well as a sleep aid.
3.This brings us to our third and final option. Street drugs. Again, you need to be careful with this option, and consult a professional. Luckily for you… I may know one. It’s not me, though. Totally not me.
Inyhoo, the most important part of using street drugs to cure your insomnia is to choose the right dealer, and the right drug. You don’t want to be snorting blow just before bed, it just won’t help. The same with any hallucinogens. They need up to 12 hours in order to work through your system. Try a nice purple haze, or Maui Wowie. Perhaps Valium, if you can get it, but that chiz is mad expensive.
Hope this helps,
*Naptimethoughts will probably give you bad advice. In fact, I can all but assure you that Naptimethoughts WILL give you bad advice. If I were you, I wouldn’t take anything that Naptimethoughts writes to you seriously AT ALL. If you have a real problem, please seek the advice of a real therapist or Psychiatrist. Ask Naptimethoughts is nothing but a fun way to give Naptimethoughts stuff to write about, and/or plug your blog.
*All that other stuff I wrote about improving your life and whatnot? Yeah, that’ll never happen, but you might get a laugh out of it.