Last month, A.PROMPTreply, who writes a fantastic blog, you should go take a look, asked me to continue the Virtual Blog Tour. I’d completely forgotten that I’d done this once before and it totally BOMBED. No kidding, it went over like a lead balloon. My Mom didn’t even like it.
Well, she wouldn’t have, if she read this blog. None of you read it, I’m sure, but according to anyone who did, it sucked like a herd of hoovers…  (Don’t bother looking for it, either, because you won’t find it. I’m one step ahead of all ya’ll on that shiznit.) So, I’m giving myself a do-over.

I’m also extremely late. This was supposed to be done by 10/30. Oops— Sorry everybody, but you must know by now that I’m entirely unreliable, and can’t follow rules of any variety, even when I write them myself. Speaking of rules, this blog tour thingamajig comes with some.

Oh, Spicy Blog Tour!

Oh, Spicy Blog Tour!

Let’s spice it up a little. No more of this “what are you writing”, “why do you write” junk… That’s what got me in trouble last time.

Let’s do this thing up all proper like.

Since I was supposed to have this out before Halloween (I can be trusted to do NOTHING) We’ll make this a Halloween Virtual Blog Tour.
Actually, let’s make this a Holiday Virtual Blog Tour, as it is that time of year. I will ask MY three chosen tourists to answer three questions about Thanksgiving. (You’re all American, right?) Then I shall ask them to send three questions out regarding Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza/ Boxing Day/My Birthday, whatever, and so on. There’s always a holiday to be found on the calendar. I want a copy of whoever gets Arbor Day. And also, know that Boxing Day is also my birthday, so feel free to choose either of those major holidays that happen to occur simultaneously.

I’ll be interviewing myself, since really, who better?

Out of respect for the process, and for it’s creator (wherever he/she may be— moment of silence) we’ll keep the first question word for word as it was handed down, generation by generation, to me. (If I had a forty, I’d pour some out on the asphalt for the creator of the virtual blog tour)

                                        1. What are you working on?

That is a secret.
OMG, quit nagging, I’ll tell you.
Okay, I’m building a human being out of body parts stolen from the morgue, that I stitch together in the dead of night, and which I am planning to bring to life by a conveniently placed strike of lightning. When my monster comes to life I plan to cackle in my most maniacal laugh and scream “It’s alive!”. I know it sounds like the plot to some classic horror movie, but I promise you, my monster will be totally different. I’ll call him Frank, and he will be created in my likeness, so he’ll probably have a lot of evil thoughts, but he’ll be far too lazy to act on them. He’ll just get himself a mean looking cat gravatar and blog about doing evil stuff instead. I imagine he’ll talk a lot like Bizarro Superman— Me Frank. Me want eat brains and crash into stuff. Me want break through walls.

My  Frankenstein has a flat top.

My Frankenstein has a flat top.

Or something like that.

                                     2. Zombies. Pro or con?

Wow, Naptimethoughts, that’s a tough one. I think I like the idea of zombies more than the actual ZOMBIE itself. I mean, if I could find a zombie that would sit down to a nice cup of tea, and have a conversation, I’d be totally pro-zombie. I’d love to know what’s underneath all that “BRAINS” crap they’re always spewing. I’d ask the zombie if he/she/it knows that The Pentagon actually has a plan in place for the eventuality of a Zombie Apocolypse, and how that makes the zombie feel, I mean it was their tax dollars that put that plan into place, after all.
Unfortunately, the nature of the zombie would make the conversation more like:

Zombie: BRAINS!!!
Me: (takes safety off gigantic gun) Shoots zombie in the face.

Ah, what a waste.

              3. Please explain how your life would be if you lived in a horror                              movie. Would you be the first or last to die? Would you be the                                 one to take out the murderer? Explain

Another extremely thought provoking question Naptimethoughts. You’re really on a roll today.
Thank you, Naptimethoughts. You know, Naptimethoughts, I just took a quiz on Facebook yesterday regarding this very subject, and we all know how accurate Facebook quizzes are. I can’t think of any quiz more trustworthy or more accurate, except maybe a “Does he really like you?” quiz in an issue of Seventeen.
Just by the way, nobody reads that shit. They really ought to call that magazine “Twelve” because that’s their target audience. By the time I was 17, I was taking much more sophisticated quizzes, like “Does he really like you?” in an issue of Cosmo.
Inyhoo, The results of the quiz I took on Facebook were conclusive. I would be the only one to survive any horror movie in which I might star. Obviously, evil doers everywhere should take note. Do not trifle with Naptimethoughts, and here’s why:
Number one: I’m no virgin. Sorry folks, but it’s true. The two kids should have been a tip off, but if not; if you really believed in my two immaculate conceptions and subsequent virgin c-sections, my apologies for leading you on.
Number two: I don’t go into creepy basements. Well, at least without someone slower and fatter than me. I don’t have to be fast, I just have to be faster than the other guy.
Number three: When there’s an axe murderer/Zombie/Vampire or any other unstable or undead person in my house, I grab the car keys and get out.
How hard is this? Spring for a motel for the night, and lets make it before the house gets sucked back down into the ancient Indian Burial Ground. This isn’t rocket science, people.
Lastly, I know my limits. I ain’t trying’ to kill the villain myself, I’m just trying to get out of the area and send in the professionals. So my phone line is cut and my cell is mysteriously smashed. So I have no electricity and someone is coming towards me in heavy boots… Very slowly. You can’t take my door, and I’m OUT. I’m also not above sacrificing the nerd, the jock, the hot girl, the virgin or anyone else who might be within my reach in order to flee the scene unharmed.

Okay, Naptimethoughts, You’ve done a fantastic job answering these questions you’ve come up with for yourself, now it’s time to ask three other wonderful bloggers to continue the tour.

Not a Punk Rocker — Come on, take a hit. Everybody’s doing it.
Parentingisfunny— Pssst…. Free dime bag, just remember where you got it.
Sarcasmica— I’ll take you places you never been before, baby.

Congratulations, you all get to explain to the world the wonders of Thanksgiving. Believe it or not, some countries do not celebrate Thanksgiving.

Anyway, here are your questions:

  1. What are you working on?
  2. Explain in detail your usual Thanksgiving, making sure not to leave out family drunks, who sneaks out to smoke pot in the garage, (extra points if it’s you) who does all the work, and whether or not Thanksgiving ends in a fistfight every year. Feel free to lie, we’re not looking for truth here, we’re just looking for a good story. This is, after all, the Holiday Virtual Blog Tour.
  3. What are your feelings regarding Thanksgiving as a Holiday? Please take into consideration how, after they kept us alive during our first several winters on this continent, we decimated the Native American peoples and then built up all the land, cut down all the trees, burned all the coal, sent it up into the atmosphere to create a hole in the ozone layer and consumed everything within sight, without care for the people or land we stole.

Okie dokie! I’m sure that’ll be a no-brainer. As always, if you want to change #3, feel free. There are no rules here. Well, except for this:

When you send the Holiday Virtual Blog Tour along to your bloggers, please make up some questions about Christmas, or whatever holiday they celebrate.

And so on, and so on, AND I WANT A COPY OF ARBOR DAY.