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I was eating popcorn for breakfast yesterday, because popcorn is a fantastic breakfast food. Okay, maybe not, but I’ve got a cold this week, so I should get whatever I want. It wasn’t even real popcorn, it was a bag of shitty pre-made popcorn with chemical butter and pesticides sprinkled on top for extra nutrition.

It's nasty, I know. It doesn't even really taste like popcorn, more like... semi-salted foam peanuts with thin slices of yellow plastic stuck in there, just so you'll be picking them out of your teeth for a week, which is really kind of a good penance for eating this shit in the first place.

It’s nasty, I know. It doesn’t even really taste like popcorn, more like… semi-salted foam peanuts with thin slices of yellow plastic stuck in them, just to get stuck in your teeth, so you’ll be picking them out for a week. Which, when you think about it, is really kind of a good penance for eating this shit in the first place.

Anyway, I was eating popcorn for breakfast, and one piece of corn didn’t pop properly. I didn’t notice, because I was shoving handfuls of popcorn into my hole like I was dying of thirst and the bag of disgusting popcorn was my only hope for survival.

I slammed my teeth down on this partially popped corn and heard… A problem. I spit out half of one of my teeth. After a cursory (and cursing) inspection with my tongue, it turned out to be a bottom tooth that had a filling in it. Apparently my dentist does good work, because the filling stayed put, where my half tooth popped out like fake titties in a tube top.

Since I had used the pittance that our dental insurance graciously allows me every year back in June in order to walk into the dentists office and say hello to the staff, I’m paying for this out of pocket, and the popcorn did some damage. I need a crown, and not the good kind.

The good news is that we had a thirty dollar credit on our account, so my crown only cost a bajillion dollars. They gave me a temporary one until my permanent tooth arrives. I assume it’s coming snail mail from Australia, since they have me waiting three weeks before I can come and pick up my new tooth, which, for what I paid them today, ought to be solid gold with a tiny little picture of me etched on the side, so if I ever lose my bajillion dollar tooth, there is a chance that it might be returned.

Fuck.

Fuck.

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