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AWARDS!!!  Specifically, two awards from Pieter at Ah Dad, my mate from South Africa (possibly Australia, we’re a little unclear on whether or not I’m allowed to change his country of origin at my whim) who’s got one very cool blog.
Lekke man, lekke.
Check him out, if you haven’t already. He’s got some seriously cute kids (but his daughter is starting to like boys, so stay away from that topic. It gets his panties in a bunch.) and he’s funny, too! Also, English is his second language, yet he still manages to write a blog, a really good blog, in English. That’s some epic stuff.

I take no responsibility for this.

I take no responsibility for this.

Disclaimer: Any blogger who is inspired by Naptimethoughts does so at their own risk. Naptimethoughts is not liable for any poor judgement on your part resulting from said inspiration.

Unfortunately for me, like most awards, these awards come with rules. I don’t intend to be disrespectful to these “rules”, but since we all know that I am incapable of following rules of any variety unless I have written them myself, lets just get on with it.

Here are the rules, as interpreted by Naptimethoughts, and passed down to my own nominees, forever and ever, Amen

  1. Thank your Nominator (it’s just the polite thing to do) in the form of a link to your nominators’ page; for everyone likes free publicity. If you’d like, let everyone know (in 500 words or fewer) what the world would be like, and how it would be better with you at the helm. Feel free to cut and paste “If Naptimethoughts ruled the world” for everyone else to read, love, and fear me. Be succinct. Or don’t do it, you know, whatever.
  2. Make up some crap about yourself. 10 things that are entirely false, but you TOTALLY wish they were true. Points for creativity and double points for letting us all know exactly how batshit crazy you really are, you know… Behind closed doors.
  3. Pick some folks whose blogs you couldn’t live without, and spread the love. I won’t tell you how many other bloggers to choose… For only you know which bloggers live in your heart (tear).

Okay, me first.

If Naptimethoughts ruled the world, (and someday I WILL) there will be no more humidity. Every day would be 70 degrees and dry, so that Naptimethoughts would no longer sweat. If that does anything for you as well, rock on. If not… Well, you want a world ruler with infinite power who is cool, dry and therefore less irritated, don’t you?
Next, there is no traffic in Naptimethoughtsland. There will be jet packs and flying cars for all, just as we were promised in every 1950’s comic book ever written. It’s about damn time people; let’s prioritize here. Alternative fuel sources are great and all, but where’s my damn jet pack and flying car? I think I’ve made my point.
Upon delivery of your first child, there will be a button installed in your home that, when pushed, will instantaneously produce a babysitter. You are a grown ass adult, and as such, it is my position that you should be able to come and go as you wish. Lets get real people. Instasitter is not just a convenience, it’s a human right. And speaking of human rights, World Peace is another, obviously. We will all be united under one flag, and it will have my face on it. Everyone will be happy and at peace in Naptimethoughtsland. Cellulite will become the new sexy, fat the new thin, and our world food is chocolate.
Spiders of all varieties are banished to places that Naptimethoughts does not frequent in Naptimethoughtsland. Your house too, if you don’t like spiders.
Lastly, In Naptimethoughtsland, we will have robots do all our work for us, and they will never ever revolt like in the movies. They will love me as well as my world subjects, and happily work as our slaves forever and ever. If it was good enough for George Jetson, well by George, it’s good enough for Naptimethoughtsland, and if I remember correctly, Rosie was a darn good maid.

Hey-- I just reposted a post about how I farted on somebody's head. But whatever, lovely is a very nice word.

I just reposted a post about how I farted on somebody’s head. But hey, I’ll take lovely. Lovely is super nice, and it’s probable that no one will ever call my blog lovely again.

Next, 10 things I really wish were true about me, but aren’t.

  1. After some time in the armed forces, I was almost killed in battle. Because I am so important and skilled in warfare, the military brought me back from the brink of death using titanium and other crazy strong crap, gave me new cat like eyes and ears, and now I am the Bionic woman. I don’t have to do anything important, though. I can just sit around and hear the pizza guy coming from really really far away.
  2. I can always find the A-Team, and they’re not mad when I ask them to find my keys.
  3. I look super hot in everything I wear. I can bend over in low rise jeans and never worry about plumbers ass, and I do not have a muffin top.
  4. I speak 12 different languages, none of which I made up.
  5. I’m crazy, stoopid, rich. I could buy and sell you. I have, in fact… Oh, you didn’t know? My bad. It was that last time you moved.
  6. I can apparate like those wizards from Harry Potter. It’s really helpful if I’m in the middle of a boring conversation, and then whoever I’m talking to is like, hey, where’d she go? And I’m already sitting on a beach somewhere in my low rise jeans, without a muffin top, sipping a fruity rum drink.
  7. I can breathe underwater and ride dolphins like Aquaman, but I’m way cooler, and I don’t have to save people (who I don’t like)
  8. I challenged Dora the Explorer to a fight. She accepted, and I ripped her open, pulled all her stuffing out, melted her stupid face and hair, put a can in her hand, and sat her naked on a street corner to pan handle for the rest of her disgusting life.
  9. I can fly.
  10. After my stint in the Peace Corps, I joined Doctors Without Borders, and since then I’ve been saving lives all over the world. Recently I cured cancer, and they named a national holiday for me, (one of the good national holidays, where everybody gets off work) “Naptimethoughts Day” and on this sacred day, everyone has Naptimethoughts themed parties, and then sits around their campfires at night eating s’mores and telling stories of my greatness.

Okay, time to nominate some nominees.

  1. Elaine Canham at Writers Notebook. Told ya so.
  2. Sheena. She’s Not a punk Rocker
  3. Doobie at Mindful Digressions, he’s just itching to tell the world why he should be in charge. You know you are. Do it up right, Doob.
  4. Farmer Farthing, my favorite asylum keeper.
  5. Parenting is Funny
  6. Anka at Grit and Honey
  7. Bethteliho at Writer B is Me
  8. your moderate Mama Not mine, necessarily, but Your Moderate Mama AT Your Moderate Mama
  9. Sarcasmica
  10. Jana at stopmeifitoldyou
  11. Suzy at the airing cupboard
  12. Last, but certainly not least, Joanne at my life lived full.

In conclusion, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO THIS FOR ME. It’ll be fun, and I’ll send you a *prize*. Don’t you feel the love? Really, I ask so little…