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Every two years I turn into a sports enthusiast for exactly two weeks. It’s really a remarkable transformation, I go from 715 days of “couldn’t give one tiny mouse shit” to “watching curling at three in the morning in a state of agitation frightening to people who aren’t into watching sporting events.”
Of which I have seen very few.
Something about the Olympics gets me all up in a lather… And something about the commentators makes me think they might need a break, or a nappy or maybe just took one too many falls during their own athletic career.
Here are some of my favorite quotes so far.

1. Men’s figure skating:

“…Since he stuck it there, it must be nice to know he can come out and nail it.”
(But not in Sochi. They frown upon alternative lifestyles)

“…He’s the total package. He sticks it and he nails it. ”
(Mmmhmmm… I don’t know what’s going on there in Sochi, but I’m a nice girl and I don’t say dirty things like that.)

2. Men’s slopestyle snowboarding:

“…If he wants to win this, he’s going to have to stay on his board.”
(Sounds like somebody bailed on one too many backside buttslides and landed topside, if you know what I mean)

3. Women’s slope style snowboarding:

“…These Olympians have learned the skills that they need to know to be here.”
(With “Captain Obvious” so busy in Sochi, who is keeping the rest of the world safe from hard questions?)

4. Men’s alpine skiing:

“…it’s really important for them to keep their skis underneath them.”
(It’s true. I’ve seen what happens when they leave their skis back at the lodge. Not. Pretty.)

5. Pairs figure skating:

“…do you see how far he throws her? That’s why it’s important that she have a strong partner.”
(That is the physics of the thing, but what exactly are you saying?)

And now for something completely different…

First: My new favorite drinking game.

Alpine skiing:
Every time the commentators say “Russian trampoline” I take a shot. Fun to play with friends or alone, agitated, at 3 in the morning.

Secondly, in the WTF portion of our list, some guy explaining

Women’s Moguls:

“Getting bucked around here, quiet head, not quite 90 degree cross, nice angles swinging those pole tips out.”
(It’s like he’s talking to me, I just know it. BUT WHAT IS HE SAYING?)

Lastly, in the category of shit that pisses me off:

Women in athletics have come a loooong way, but obviously not far enough, because this meat popcicle thinks THIS is appropriate and funny to say on national television .
I feel differently.

Men’s alpine skiing:

“…He said earlier in the week that he doesn’t EVEN belong on the WOMENS alpine team!” (laughter)
(You suck, and if I were allowed on the course, I’d stick my foot out and trip your sorry skis. Fuck you, and the alps you skied in on. )

Check for the next installment of “statements commentators maybe oughtn’t have said” coming soon. Maybe.