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I love haunted houses. Especially a TV show called “A Haunting” which scares the ever living ghosts out of me every time I watch it. So imagine my glee when a new TV dramatization “When Ghosts Attack” appeared on my TV guide. These ghosts aren’t just stomping around above your head or slamming doors, or stealing your keys… They are COMING. They mean business. They’re attacking.

Rock on. 


I sat down to watch, sure that I’d be scared out of my shorts by houses built on ancient Indian burial grounds or some old civil war cemetery, but these ghosts were seriously disappointing. Maybe more specifically, the dramatizations of their hauntings failed to properly scare. It begins the same way every time: 

 The primary hauntee proclaims their uncompromising skepticism of the paranormal… That is, before their attack ghost tried to strangle them.

 I offer now some completely unsolicited advice for those in the unfortunate position of sharing their homes with attack ghosts:

 1. Turn on the lights in your haunted house. Why do you like it so dark? Don’t you have electricity?  If I were hanging out in a haunted house, I’d have every light in that shizzle on and a-blazing 24/7.  Of course your ghost is going to wreak havoc. They like it dark. Haven’t these people ever see any scary movie ever made ever?  I hope none of these sad sacks are virgins.

 2. Whenever I heard my attack ghosts acting up in my brightly lit haunted house in the middle of the night, I would not get up and investigate. If you know your ghosts like to throw shit at your head, don’t open the door, you know? 

 And while we’re on the subject of doors: 

       2-a: If your door is locked, and it opens on its own, lets leave well enough alone. If you can live in the dark in your haunted house, it only stands to reason that you can sleep with the haunted door open as well. When you get up and close it, what do you think your attack ghost is going to do? Accept that you’d prefer that his haunted door stayed closed and move on? Obviously.

 This goes especially for haunted basement doors, which only open on their own as a ghostly invitation to your doom, and every time, the reenactment guy goes over to the freshly opened doom door, sticks his head in and does this: (At least during “When Ghosts Attack”. )


(No response)


(Um.. Still no response. Who does he think is down there? the meter reader?)

Closes door. 

Door opens again. Reenactment guy goes down the stairs (in the dark) and calls again. Something tries to strangle him, he has mysterious ligature marks on his neck.  He rushes up the stairs, and the door closes just before he gets there. It’s never really explained how he manages to get out of the basement, but he always does, because the real guy (much less attractive than the reenactment guy) is always back on after the commercials.

 3. MOVE. At the end of my not new favorite show, a “where are they now” section airs, and every single one of these people are still cohabitating with their murderous ghosts. Full disclosure doesn’t apply to ghosts, people. You don’t have to tell the new owners that Casper the attack ghost lives in your basement/attic/bedroom. Fix the radon and move on.