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My Ordinary Routine at the beach:

First, I slather my white ass self (or red at this point) with sunblock. Then slather the children and the husband, pack up all our shit to go to the beach, drag all our shit to the beach and unload all our shit at the beach. Then I put on my gigantic sun hat, put together the big umbrella, beach chair, (for my fat ass) and personal umbrella to attach to my fat ass chair.

All of this to sit.

K makes sand castles at my feet while accumulating a coat of sand all over her body that will come off in the shower at a very low sand/scream ratio. We do this twice daily.
The shower we use to get sand off the children is outside. I strip them naked, turn on the water, and the dramatics begin. Yesterday during K’s shower, she busted out and ran around in circles buck naked in the yard until I caught her. She’s a slippery little fuck. It’s a good thing we were at the beginning of her shower because if she were any less grainy, we might still be out there.

J is worse.

He goes out in the ocean, sits down in the sand, and lets the breakers crash over him. One day I took his bathing suit off to find a perfect rearward sculpture of his ass; created in sand.
If he’s ever famous, I’ll regret having destroyed it (no I won’t).
Next it’s feeding time for the children.
I will get no shower. I will stink of beach and have a thin layer of sand in each crevice and orifice until the children collapse in exhaustion, provided they collapse before I do.

Maybe a cruise next year.

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